Guergis and Jaffer starring as Bonnie and Clyde

Hollywood couldn’t ask for a better script – a sordid tale of cocaine and booze parties, a cast of characters with buxom escorts, a $3,200 restaurant meal, Rahim Jaffer driving home double the legal limit, twice the speed limit and cocaine in the jacket on the back seat. So he walks with only a $500 fine and everybody shakes their head and the judge tells Jaffer he got a break.

Minister wife Helena travels the world for $632,000 on the taxpayer tab and stops off in tax haven Belize where three new offshore companies get registered.

A mysterious Toronto private detective, Derrick Snowdy is privy to a booze and drug party. So he tells Toronto Conservative party lawyer Arthur Hamilton that Guergis is open to blackmail.

Lawyer Hamilton goes straight to Harper who promptly calls the cops and dumps Guergis. She protests she’s done nothing wrong but still heads to the back row in the Commons where the independent MPs sit.

Why was she fired? Harper says it was on account of her “behaviour.” Is that a buzz word for something? Did he means drugs and booze parties, or did he mean lobbying for her husband’s green technology interests. But then Harper says there were “only unproven allegations.” So why fire her? Was he looking for an excuse?

Then it comes out that hubby Rahim was using her government Blackberry for his private business, using a government office, and driving around in her chauffered limousine. But is that enough to fire a minister?

Then it turns out that Jaffer and Nazim Gillani, his business partner in Green Power Generation Corp. came to Ottawa last September and had a meeting with Brian Jean, parliamentary secretary to Infrastructure Minister John Baird who handles government grants for green technologies.

Did they talk about government grants for Green Power? If so, there’s a little problem because Jaffer is not registered as a lobbyist as required by law.

A few days later Jaffer goes for supper with Baird. Later Baird will say no green technology contracts were discussed. So what did they talk about -- the time of day, the warm weather? Baird won’t say.

The Opposition has heard enough of this garbage. They say only a full inquiry commission of inquiry can get to the bottom of this mess.

That’s the last thing Harper wants. He remembers what happened to Paul Martin who set up an inquiry commission.

But Harper can’t stop the Opposition. The whole sordid cast of characters will be testifying before a parliamentary committee over the next few weeks -- Snowdy the detective, Hamilton the lawyer, Gillani the party boy, as well as Guergis, Jaffer, Baird and if they need, Harper himself. Should be quite a show.

There hasn’t been such a sordid mess in Ottawa for a long time. As bad as the Sponsorship scandal – except with sex and drugs this time.

More like a police reality show.